When I was growing up, a local radio station broadcasted funny parodies of television programs. One was a parody of a cooking show by a southern cook. The man would drawl in a heavy southern accent while explaining the ingredients needed to make the perfect meal. What made the parody so funny was that he always replaced one of the recipe’s ingredients with cayenne pepper. Imagine baking an apple pie and replacing the sugar with cayenne pepper!
Today, many people are looking for the right ingredients but for something even more important—a successful marriage. Many books have been written. Many television shows have addressed the issues. But despite their good intentions, many marriages have fallen apart. This brings up a good question. What are the ingredients for a successful marriage. According to the Bible, the ingredients can be reduced to only two.
- What does it say? (Eph. 5:22-33)
Context: After giving general teachings about imitating God, loving others, avoiding sin, and living a changed life, Paul transitioned to specific teaching about the roles of Christian husbands and wives.
Wives are to submit to their own husbands as they would to the Lord. This should be done because the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church. Christ is also the Savior of the body. As the church subjects itself to Christ, so should the wives submit to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Jesus’ goal was to sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word so that He could present her as a glorious church to Himself. He wanted the church to be without spot, wrinkle, or any such thing, and to be holy and without blemish. Because of that, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. The man who loves his wife is loving himself. Nobody ever hated his own body. Instead, he nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church. For we (the church) are members of His body, flesh, and bones. Paul then quoted Genesis 2:24 which says, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.”
In conclusion, Paul said that this was a great mystery because he was talking about Christ’s relationship to the church. Even so, every Christian husband was supposed to love his own wife as himself and the wife was supposed to respect her husband. - What does it mean?
A wife should submit to her husband’s leadership (Eph. 5:22-24).
In His infinite wisdom, God designed marriage to work properly when a wife submits to the leadership of her husband.
A wife should submit to her husband. While not particularly popular in modern culture, this is God’s design for a successful marriage. But what exactly does it mean for a wife to submit to her husband? Paul compares this submission to how a Christian submits to the Lord’s will. When you read what Jesus desires for you to do as a Christian, the proper response is to submit to His will. He is the head of the church and has saved us. So, we willingly submit to Him as our leader. This example of submitting to the Lord gives us an idea of what a wife submitting to her husband means. It is a recognition of who has been placed in charge and then allowing that person to lead the family. Christians recognize Christ as the head of the church and willingly submit to his leadership. In the same way, a wife is to submit to her husband as the head of their home. This requires two things. Firstly, she must submit to God’s will that her husband be the head of the home. Secondly, she must submit to her husband’s leadership in their home.
A husband should love his wife (Eph. 5:25-32).
In His infinite wisdom, God designed marriage to work properly when a husband loves his wife. Paul compares this love to the love of Christ for the church.
A husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church (25-27). If a husband wants to love like Christ loved the church, he would do well to see how Christ loved the church. So, what is Jesus’ love like? Paul reminds us that Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it. As you know, Jesus willingly gave His life on the cross to pay the price for our sins. He then used the truths of His words to sanctify and cleanse the members of the church. The ultimate goal was to make the church a glorious and holy group that was cleansed from any spots, wrinkles and blemishes. This is the example that a husband is to follow. He is to seek what is best for his wife and help her to become better.
A husband should love his wife as he loves himself (28-32). Most people love themselves. A normal human being does what is best for his own body. He feeds himself, avoids danger, and spends time doing what makes him happy. When it comes to marriage, a husband is no longer alone. He and his wife have become one flesh. So, loving his wife is like loving himself. When a husband chooses to love his wife, he will nourish her and cherish her. This means he will seek to build her up and will value her as special. This is what Jesus did for the church and marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Just as a man leaves his parents to become one with his wife, so Christians leave their past life to become one with Christ. This is a mysterious topic, but it helps us to understand how a husband is to love his wife.
A good marriage includes both aspects (Eph. 5:33).
Despite the mysteries of the relationship between Christ and the church, it is clear that there are two specific ingredients to a successful marriage. The first ingredient is provided by the husband. He is to love his wife as himself. This love is to be patterned after the love of Christ for the church and the love the husband has for his own body. The second ingredient is provided by the wife. She is to respect her husband. You may be surprised that the word submit has been replaced with the word respect. How do respect and submission go together? Let me explain. Respect is the attitude that makes submission possible. When a wife recognizes God’s design for her husband to be the leader of the home, she must first respect the position he has been given. As a result of that respect for her husband’s God-given position of leadership, she will submit to his will as he leads the home.
But there is something very important to see here. A successful marriage includes both ingredients. Both the husband and wife must follow God’s design if they want their marriage to be successful. If the husband doesn’t love his wife, she may have trouble respecting him. If the wife doesn’t respect her husband’s leadership, he may have trouble loving her. But when they both follow God’s design, their marriage will work as God intended. - How does it apply?
Understand God’s examples for your marriage.
While we are often more interested in “discussing” what the other spouse needs to be doing, we should not quickly move to the commands without first looking at God’s examples to us. The first example is Christ’s headship over the church. Every Christian is called to submit himself to the leadership of Jesus in his life. If you are a Christian, you need allow Christ to lead in your life. This is a first step not only for a good marriage but also for a good relationship with the Lord. Are you submitting yourself to the Lord? Or are you holding back and doing what you want? You need to submit your life to the Lord on a daily basis.
The second example is the love of Christ for the church. The love of Christ for the church is wonderful. Think about what Jesus did for you. He willingly gave His life on the cross to pay for your sins despite the fact that you had rebelled and sinned against Him. But His love didn’t stop there. He is actively involved in cleansing you, nourishing you, and cherishing you because He wants what is best for us. When you understand God’s love, it will change the way you think about everything. We love Him because He first loved us.
Fulfill your role in your marriage.
With a proper understanding of Christ’s leadership and love, we are ready to talk about you fulfilling your God-given role in your marriage. If you are a wife, you are called to support your husband with respect and submission. Are you willing to do that? There will be times when you disagree with his leadership. But God has called him to be the leader of your home. So, you should submit to him as you would to the Lord. When there are disagreements, talk it through, pray about it, but ultimately respect your husband and allow him to lead your home. This is God’s design.
If you are a husband, you are called to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Do you understand what that means? This is something that is beyond your ability. Christ’s love for the church is greater than any other love. He was willing to die for us. He constantly loves us despite our failures. This is what you are called to do. But with God’s help, seek to love your wife. You can do this by building her up, taking care of her needs, and showing her that you cherish her. There will be times when this is not easy. When there are disagreements or heated conversations, remember what Jesus did for you. Remember to love her as Christ loved you.
Conclusion
Occasionally, you hear about a couple that has been married for over fifty years. When asked how they were able to stay together so long, they usually have an answer that includes things like being patient, willing to listen, and resolving disagreements before they get out of hand. While those are good things to do, we have discovered that the Bible gives two specific ingredients for a marriage that pleases the Lord. You already know what those ingredients are. The only question left to answer is this. Are you willing to follow God’s direction in your marriage?
Bibliography
Bruce, F. F., The Epistles to the Colossians, to Philemon, and to the Ephesians, Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1984.
Hodge, Charles, A Commentary on the Epistle to the Ephesians, Grand Rapids: Baker, 1980, orig, 1856.
Hoehner, Harold W., “Ephesians” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary New Testament, USA: SP Publications, 1983.
McGee, J. Vernon, Thru the Bible with J. Vernon McGee, Vol. V., 1 Corinthians through Revelation, Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1983.